Having an opportunity to say goodbye on this earth is a beautiful gift.
It’s also a heavy burden.
Sometimes I think life would be easier if we didn’t have these moments of choice colliding with the inevitable – this place where there is no control, but our own decisions of how we navigate the things we cannot control will forever leave a lasting impact on our heart. Then, maybe when we look around at the aftermath, we could fall back on the comfort of knowing there was nothing more we could have done. There was nothing more we could have done to protect our heart from the sting.
Still, we have to face the empty chairs; empty arms; empty hearts.
And I wonder if life will ever not hurt.
So much is changing and I’m the greatest of wishers for things to stay the same.
I’ve said a lot of goodbyes recently– the hardest being the earthly goodbyes to people I care about so very much.
“Thy Will” is the only song I’ve been able to listen to the last few days. Something keeps bringing me here, even as my heart continues to beg that my will be done instead. It seems like it would involve much less pain. I can keep things together and not let them fall apart.
But I can’t.
I can’t stop this. I can’t change the outcome. I can’t bring people back. I can’t keep them from leaving.
I can’t keep my heart from breaking. My grief and frustration for the people around me who are hurting even more than I am cannot change anything.
It’s not my hope that everything would be broken – nor is it His.
I know it is His will to one day make me whole, and that is what my heart is clinging to.
The promise of wholeness.
The promise of healing.
The promise of being reunited.
The promise to end this grief and sadness.
The promise that earthly desires will no longer try to takeover.
The promise that any good thing in this world is nothing compared to Christ.
The promise that hard things are not in vain and they are only temporary.
This pain – this separation, this broken heart – it will not last.
Please keep speaking this back to me.
When I cannot lift my head, Lord, please remind me.
When it hurts too much to formulate words, remind me.
When I want to run away, remind me.
When I don’t know how to keep moving forward, remind me.
When my heart is too angry to remember what is true, remind me.
When it feels like everything is spinning out of control, remind me.
When I’m not able to know why, remind me.
When I can’t see any hope of an end, remind me.
When I have to say a painful goodbye, just keep reminding me.
Because it really hurts and I need to remember, even when it seems like I can’t.
Again and again.
Until faith becomes sight.
And this broken world no longer wins.