It’s no coincidence my recent surgery earned three hospital bracelets. One for the procedure, one for the first night in the ICU, and one for the last nights in the hospital. If the struggling could be measured by those bracelets, the numbers would be accurate. Where one would normally be, three are standing in its place.
The first week I could tell a huge difference and I was really optimistic that we had “fixed” everything. It was so weird – even though the first part of recovery was really painful and tough, I still felt better because there was finally relief to some of the symptoms that had been consistent for so many months. But the original symptoms have mostly come back again and that’s frustrating.
I knew going into this I would have to wait a year before making any judgments on whether or not the surgery was successful. But I wasn’t and still am not prepared for the emotional ups and downs of measuring how I feel each day to see if there’s any improvement. Some days I think I feel a little better; other days I feel worse than before and I have to fight against the fear that I made a mistake and it can’t ever be reversed.
The morning of the surgery, just before they took me back, I received the email about becoming a contributor for The Mighty. My first article was published while I was still in the hospital. I was thankful for the distraction, but I have also realized the timing was so much more than that. I’ve been stalking the internet obsessively for any feedback from my posts. What I’ve read has shown me that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to share what I hope is encouragement without the bad days preceding it.
Again – a reminder that the Lord knows what He’s doing in all of this. It’s so difficult from my perspective, but there is more going on than what I can see.
I don’t know where I’ll be eleven months from now. I hope I’ll be better than today. But if nothing ever changes, if tomorrow will always be like yesterday, I will keep reminding myself that it’s enough. Whatever I have in front of me is enough for what I’m supposed to do. That might mean a lot more bad days ahead. Still, I know daily they are being redeemed and a lot of good will come from them.